


The Colors of Autumn

by LyriaBlackFrost



Series: RyuKita Week 2019 [4]
Category: Persona 5
Genre: Alternate Universe - Soulmates, Angst with a Happy Ending, Bittersweet, Depression, Grieving, Implied/Referenced Domestic Violence, M/M, Ryukita Week 2019, Swearing
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-01-30
Updated: 2019-01-30
Packaged: 2019-10-19 11:34:40
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 8,056
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17600573
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/LyriaBlackFrost/pseuds/LyriaBlackFrost
Summary: “When you die, part of your soul stays dormant within your soul-mate, waiting for the day you both can move on together to your next life.”With those words in mind, the old artist Yusuke Kitagawa creates a perfect portrait of his lost love, Ryuji Sakamoto, unaware of the effects it would have on the final days of his life.RyuKita Week Day 4: AU





	The Colors of Autumn

**Author's Note:**

> Useless trivia: this was actually the first RyuKita fic I ever wrote. I hope you like it! :)

_When you die, part of your soul stays dormant within your soul-mate, waiting for the day you both can move on together to your next life._

He didn’t remember where he had heard or read those words, but they stuck to Yusuke’s mind, both bothering and comforting every single day of his lonely life for the past sixty-seven years, and as he carefully traced the familiar face on the canvas with a small piece of charcoal, trying not to let his trembling right hand ruin the sketch.

Even now, he could still remember it with clarity. The dark tone of his eyes, the slightly tanned skin, the short and messy blond hair. All those things he could, somehow, place in a painting, creating an almost perfect copy of that face he couldn’t forget. However, as much as he tried, there were things he would never be able to replicate, and those things were the ones he missed the most: the sound of his voice, the way he always smiled first with the right side of his lips, the warm feeling of his skin, the way his laughter made Yusuke’s heart race every time.

How much Yusuke loved him.

It took Yusuke a while to realize he was crying. It had been a long time since it last happened… Somehow, he thought his tears had already dried up. He still wasn’t sure of what led him to start that painting, especially now, after so many decades of trying to keep Ryuji away from his mind, dedicating every second of his existence to his art, not only for love, but to run from the emptiness of his life. However, since he came back from the hospital, after recovering from a stroke that partially paralyzed the left side of his body, there wasn’t a place in his mind for anything else.

With the sketch finished, Yusuke stopped to admire it for a moment. It was far from perfect, of course… Especially now that his body didn’t move the way he wanted. However, it still looked beautiful: that young, friendly face, of a boy who never lived to see his twenty-third birthday.

Yusuke sighed, closing his eyes, asking himself if it had really been a good decision. No, of course it hadn’t, but what else was he supposed to do? Stay on his bed, mourning his losses until his own life came to an end? He wasn’t like that. Even if it meant nothing, even if it made everything worse, he had to do something.

And, for the moment, that was the only thing he could do.

He raised his eyes to the canvas, and, with slow, slightly sloppy movements, started to paint it.

 

* * *

 

For the following two days, Yusuke dedicated himself to finish that painting, ignoring the pain in his whole body and the growing feeling of exhaustion. The result wasn’t the best possible, as expected… The brush strokes were rough, and it looked more like the work of an amateur than of the distinguished artist that he came to be known as. Part of him felt bitter about it: he wanted to give Ryuji a perfect world, where he could live forever and keep smiling like he did… Where nothing bad could ever happen to him.

And, still, that was the best he could do.

“Forgive me…” he said, his voice sounding hoarse and tired.

He stared at the painting for a long while, then averted his eyes from it. Now that he had finished it, all that work seemed meaningless. What did he expect to accomplish with that? To feel better about his reality? To get his deceased lover out of his mind once and for all? To make peace with himself?

Now that it was finished, all he felt was a strong, terrible emptiness that seemed about to devour him whole.

With some effort, Yusuke reached for his cane, getting up from that stool. His body complained in every way possible, but he still managed to slowly walk to his bed, sitting on the border of the mattress, placing the cane beside it, leaning against the side table. With some time and a few groans, he managed to lay on his back, staring at the ceiling.

Part of his mind knew he should eat something, but, since the stroke, eating had become a problem. Not only because preparing the food was more of an inconvenience than it was worth, but he also kept bitting the inside of his left cheek, to the point of making it bleed. As if that wasn’t enough, he also became way more prone to choking, as if his throat was constantly swollen. So, most times, he simply skipped his meals, just like he skipped his medicines.

He closed his eyes, feeling the exhaustion wash over him, and his mind soon drifted away from reality.

 

* * *

 

 “Yusuke…?” a warm voice called his name. “Hey, Yusuke…”

He opened his eyes, immediately being blinded by the brightness of the morning sky. It took him a while to realize that his head was resting on someone’s lap, and that the person was now looking at him, clearly concerned. Yusuke blinked a few times, until he could see that familiar face with dark brown eyes, feeling like his heart had stopped.

“Ah, you’re awake…” a relieved sigh left that boy’s lips. “You scared me for a moment, babe.”

“Ryuji…?”

Yusuke reached for his face, and then his eyes turned to his own hand, which had smooth skin, without any wrinkles… He jolted up, staring at it, confused.

“Hey, what’s wrong?”

Ryuji’s voice made him look at his partner, and no, there weren’t any doubts: it was Ryuji… Just the way he looked when he was twenty-two.

“No… Nothing,” answered Yusuke, trying to calm himself down.

It was a dream, of course.

Ryuji offered him a light smile, gently brushing his hair away from his face.

“I’m glad you’re here too… I thought I was alone.” He glanced around, furrowing his brow. “Do you know what is this place?”

Only then Yusuke took the time to look around, to that strange scenery that surrounded them. A beautiful, vast field, colored in shades of red, orange and yellow, that gave it the feeling of autumn. But not a natural one, more like the idealized view of the season that you saw in pictures and paintings, too bright and beautiful to be real.

And Yusuke knew why: it was his painting. Ryuji, forever smiling in a field of endless beauty… And now, he was dreaming of it.

“Not really,” he lied.

“Damn…” Ryuji placed a hand on the side of his own head, lightly pressing his temple with his fingers, frowning. “How did we end up here? I can’t remember anything…”

Yusuke just looked at him, that perfect copy of the person he missed so much.

“Ryuji…”

“Wha—”

Before he could stop himself, he pulled Ryuji closer, embracing him against his chest. For a moment, Ryuji didn’t react, but then he reached for Yusuke’s back, gently caressing it.

“Hey, it’s okay,” he said in a comforting tone. “We’re gonna find a way out.”

“I missed you so much.”

The words left Yusuke’s lips before he could stop them. He heard a low, amused laugh from Ryuji.

“’The hell are you talkin’ about?” he asked. “We see each other almost every day.”

Yes, of course… In that dream, things were as they used to. As they should be. Yusuke sighed, moving away from Ryuji.

“My apologies…” he said. “I suppose I’m just overwhelmed by the situation.”

“Weirdo.”

His voice was soft and loving, and it only made Yusuke’s chest hurt. Ryuji placed a hand on his head, caressing his hair.

“Don’t worry, okay?” he said. “Just leave it to me. We’ll figure this out soon.”

He let Ryuji help him get up and take him by the hand, guiding him through that bright field of warm colors, and smiled. Even if it was a dream, it was still everything he could have asked for, so he simply decided to enjoy it while it lasted.

 

* * *

  

Yusuke woke up to a nostalgic feeling. He turned his head, glancing at the painting at the opposite side of the room. Now, after his dream, it didn’t look as bad as before… No, actually, it looked quite nice. Maybe not his best work, but still…

Suddenly, his warm feeling of nostalgia was replaced by a cold emptiness. What difference did it make? Good or bad, it still meant nothing.

He considered getting up from the bed, but now that the painting had been finished, was there even a reason to? Even the effort to start a new one didn’t feel worth it, and painting was the thing he valued the most in his life.

The hours passed slowly, as he lied there, in a silent despair, just wishing something would happen to free him from that hell.

 

* * *

 

He only realized he had fallen asleep again when he opened his eyes to those warm colors.

That dream again…

“Yusuke!”

He turned to the origin of that voice, seeing Ryuji running in his direction. Before he could do anything, his lover — former lover — threw his arms around him, embracing him tightly. He stood like that for a long while, before moving away, looking at Yusuke with an expression that was difficult to read.

“What happened?” he asked. “You just… Disappeared.”

Yusuke knew it wouldn’t make sense to explain a dream to the dream itself. Again, he decided to simply accept and enjoy it.

“I’m not sure,” he said.

“I’ve been looking for you for I don’t know how long! I… I thought—”

Ryuji’s voice cracked. He stopped talking, taking a deep breath. After a moment, he placed a hand on Yusuke’s cheek, staring at him with concerned eyes.

“Are you okay?” he asked. “You’re always pale, so it’s hard to tell.”

Yusuke nodded in response, and it seemed to make Ryuji relax a little.

“Damn…” he said. “I thought you were gone for good. It almost gave me a heart attack.”

“My apologies.”

A small smile took Ryuji’s lips, and he let his hand slide to the crook of Yusuke’s neck, caressing it.

“Nah, it’s fine,” he said in a lower voice. “We’re together again.”

Yusuke couldn’t help but smile in response. Yes, that was the Ryuji he remembered… He could seem vulgar and short-tempered at first, but also had that unexpectedly sweet, caring side that made Yusuke fall for him. Without thinking too much, Yusuke cupped Ryuji’s face with both hands, approaching their lips.

As he expected, Ryuji didn’t resist the kiss, embracing his waist, approaching their bodies in a natural, intimate manner, of someone who had done it countless times before. For a moment, it felt like time hadn’t passed, like those almost seventy years had been nothing but a nightmare, and he was finally back to reality.

When they broke the kiss, Ryuji offered him a light smile, which soon gave place to concern again.

“We should keep going…” he said. “There must be someone else here. Maybe they can tell us what’s happening.”

“Maybe,” agreed Yusuke.

Ryuji looked at him for a long time.

“Can you remember… Y’know, things from before we got here?” he asked.

“Not quite,” Yusuke lied again.

A heavy, tired sigh left Ryuji’s lips.

“Man, this sucks…” he said. “It feels like I’ve been walking here forever. This place is so weird… I’m sure it should be getting dark by now, but the sky’s still bright ‘n all that.”

He twisted his lips, frustrated.

“Shit… I just wanna go home.”

Yusuke was about to comfort him, when Ryuji’s eyes widened.

“Yusuke…” he said, worried. “When you disappeared, what happened?”

That was a complicated question to answer. Yusuke could explain the truth, if he wanted, but… Why ruin that dream with the reality? That was, after all, the one small comfort he still had in his life.

“I believe I simply disappeared for a while,” he said.

“No way…” Ryuji averted his gaze. “This is really weird. What if it happens again? What if you don’t come back next time?”

“Ryuji, try to remain calm,” asked Yusuke. “We can’t know what will happen next… It’s meaningless to suffer from unnecessary anticipation.”

Ryuji opened his mouth to protest, but ended up changing his mind.

“I guess you’re right…”

He stayed silent for a while, thinking.

“Is my mom alright…?” he asked in a low voice.

The question broke Yusuke’s heart.

“I’m sure she is,” he said, without looking at his lover’s face. “She’s a strong woman.”

He expected those words to comfort Ryuji a little. But, instead, his lover stared at him, his face going from slight confusion to something close to shock. He lowered his eyes, furrowing his brow.

“Yeah…” he said in a low voice. “She… She’s strong, right…?”

All the color was drained from his face, and Yusuke feared that he would pass out at any minute.

“You look tired,” said Yusuke, placing a hand on his back. “Maybe we should rest for a while.”

Ryuji simply nodded, his gaze still distant. Yusuke guided him to a spot close to the trees, and they sat on the ground, side by side. Ryuji was still silent, and it started to worry Yusuke, who placed an arm around his shoulders, caressing the side of his neck. The gesture made Ryuji look at him, masking his concern with a light smile. He moved closer to his partner, until his head was resting against his shoulder.

“Y’know…” he said. “If I wasn’t so fuckin’ scared, I think I’d like this place. It’s so pretty and peaceful…”

That simple comment made Yusuke smile.

“It is,” he agreed.

Ryuji didn’t say anything else for a long while, looking at the scenery around them with a thoughtful expression.

“Hey, Yusuke…”

Yusuke looked at him. Ryuji opened his mouth, but, after a moment of hesitation, shook his head.

“Nevermind…” he said. “I think I’m just tired.”

Yusuke kissed his head, gently caressing his short hair.

“Just rest, love…” he muttered. “Just rest.”

 

* * *

 

 Yusuke dozed off, and, when he came back to his senses, he was again at his room. A wave of disappointment filled his chest: he knew it was just a dream, but still…

He reached for the side table for the jar of water he always left there, only to realize it was empty. Cursing under his breath, he debated with himself if a glass of fresh water was worth the effort of getting up from his bed. After long minutes of indecision, he gave in to the thirst, slowly getting up from the bed among some pained groans, taking his cane and moving to the kitchen. On his way back to the bed, though, his eyes fell upon that painting, and he immediately knew something was different about it.

He approached his work, and, as he thought, something was wrong: the colors weren’t as bright anymore, and there was something unsettling about it, though he couldn’t exactly say what it was. Maybe he was tired, or his old eyes were simply playing tricks on him, but he couldn’t stop a feeling of restlessness from taking over.

“ _You left him alone again_ ,” said a voice in his head.

Yusuke clenched his fist around the cane. It had been just a dream… Still, that dream was everything he had left of Ryuji.

Ryuji… Now that he thought about it, he looked different on the painting: more distant, gaze slightly averted, his smile less bright than Yusuke remembered. Again, it could be only his tired mind, but Yusuke knew his paintings well, especially that one.

“Ryuji…” he called.

Yusuke instinctively reached for the painting, stopping himself just a moment before his fingers touched the still wet paint. He sighed, closing his eyes.

It was all in his head… It had been just a dream. Ryuji was dead, and, in a way, so was he. What was the point of running from it? Of creating an image of Ryuji in his head, and pretending it was real? Wasn’t that just a sign of his own cowardice? He should just let go already… Live his final days in the present, and pass away in a dignified way, and not as a crazy old man, who believed in his own fantasies.

He said all that to himself, but the words sounded empty. He couldn’t — and didn’t want to — let go of Ryuji, and that was the problem. If he could, he would probably have a different life: maybe with a family, maybe not so alone.

But he couldn’t. So, he simply devoted himself to his art, watching as the people he loved left, one by one, slowly drowning in his endless grief.

 

* * *

 

When he fell asleep that night, part of him anticipated that same dream, and, as soon as he opened his eyes, he knew he was back to it. However, just as he thought, the scenery around him was different from before: not as colorful or warm, a hint of gray coloring the sky, as if it was about to rain.

“Yusuke!”

Yusuke felt those arms embracing him before he saw his lover there, his face buried on his shirt. It took a moment for Yusuke to notice the small sobs that came from him, and his heart sank with the realization.

“ _You left him alone again_ ,” repeated that accusatory voice.

Yusuke tried to ignore it, turning all of his attention to Ryuji.

“Are you alright?” he asked in a low voice.

That question made Ryuji move away, staring at him with angered eyes.

“Alright…?” he repeated in disbelief. “’Course I’m not alright! I thought I’d be alone for real this time… I was so fuckin’ scared!”

Ryuji closed his eyes, a loud sob leaving his throat. He covered his face with both hands. Carefully, Yusuke placed his arms around his shoulders, hugging him against his chest, caressing his back in an attempt to comfort him. Some time passed before Ryuji finally started to calm down, his body relaxing against Yusuke’s.

“Don’t leave me alone again…” he asked in a low, weak voice.

Those words filled Yusuke’s chest with a bitter feeling, which he chose to ignore.

“I’m sorry…” he said. “I didn’t want to.”

“I know… I know, but…”

Ryuji stopped talking, moving away from Yusuke just enough so he could look at his face.

“Yusuke…” he said. “I think there’s something wrong with me.”

Yusuke furrowed his brow, concerned.

“What is it?” he asked.

“I… don’t know how to explain,” admitted Ryuji, averting his gaze. “It’s like… I remember who I am. I remember my mom, and my friends, and everything, but… I can’t remember…” he gesticulated briefly, making an effort to find the right word, shaking his head. “Things.”

“Things?” repeated Yusuke.

“Things that I’ve done,” he answered in a frustrated tone. “Things that happened to me. Y’know… My life.”

Ryuji shivered at his own words, hugging his own body.

“It’s like…” he proceeded, still not looking at Yusuke. “I know my mom exists, I know I love her, and that we’re close, but… I can’t remember much else about her, or our time together, and if I force it, it’s all… Blank. And it’s the same for the other people I know… Like, I remember Akira, and Ann, but… I mean, I remember they’re my closest friends, but I can’t even remember their faces, or voices, or anything… When I think I remembered somethin’, it just… Goes away.”

He raised his eyes, looking at Yusuke.

“Why…?” he asked. “Why is this happening? What if I keep forgettin’ things, until there’s nothing left? What… What should I do?”

Yusuke simply looked at him for a while, at a loss of words. Why was that? Was it because he was on his mind? Even so, why? Yusuke was close to both Akira and Ann, and Aoi Sakamoto came to be like a mother to him. If the issue was being inside his mind, then… Why forget them? Wouldn’t it make more sense to forget only his college friends, or other people Yusuke never met?

That line of thought made he realize that, once again, he was trying to make sense of a dream. He sighed, a little frustrated.

“I don’t know,” he said.

His voice sounded more stoic than he wanted to. Ryuji blinked, and his face slowly lost its expression, until it carried nothing but a bitter indifference.

“You’re pretty calm about it, aren’t you?” he asked.

That voice, just like his face, was so unlike Ryuji that Yusuke was taken aback.

“I—”

“Well,” Ryuji interrupted him, shrugging, “guess there’s nothing we can do, either way.”

Despite his attempt to sound carefree, there was a hint of resentment on his voice, and Yusuke couldn’t blame him for that: once again, he repeated the same mistakes.

“My apologies,” he started to say, “I didn’t mean to—”

“No, it’s fine,” Ryuji interrupted him. “Just forget I said anything.”

“No, I can’t forget it.”

Yusuke took a deep breath, lowering his eyes to the ground.

“This is why you never tell me anything, isn’t it?” he asked.

“What are you talkin’ about?”

He reached for Ryuji’s hand, holding it in his.

“Ryuji, I…” again, it was difficult for him to express his feelings through words, but he still tried. “Don’t think I don’t care about what you tell me, I just… I’m not good with…”

“With being a functional human being?”

Ryuji asked it in a slightly humorous voice, as if trying to get rid of that heavy atmosphere. However, Yusuke knew he was still bothered by it, and wasn’t willing to let the subject go like that.

“Being someone you can rely on,” he said. “When I think I’m getting better at it, I do something that proves me wrong. Like now.”

He looked at Ryuji, struggling to find the words.

“I know I can’t express it enough… But I care about every single word you tell me. Every single one.”

Ryuji’s expression softened a little. He approached Yusuke, placing an arm around his waist, caressing it with his thumb.

“I know, babe…” he said. “I know you do.”

He took a deep breath before proceeding.

“Sorry, I didn’t wanna throw all the blame at you, but…” he made a brief pause, bitting the inside of his lip. “I’m a mess right now. It’s like I’m losing everything, and… Damn, I’m really fuckin’ scared of it.”

He glanced around in clear discomfort, and Yusuke felt his partner’s body tensing up again.

“It’s… This place.”

Yusuke didn’t want to agree. He created that world so Ryuji could be happy, but, in the end, all it managed to do was bring him more pain. He brushed those thoughts away, knowing that self-pity wouldn’t do much to help him.

“Ryuji…” he said after a while. “Do you remember anything about us?”

To his surprise, Ryuji offered him a light smile.

“’Course I do,” he said. “I think it’s the only things I can still remember. Maybe ‘cause you’re here too?”

“Maybe.”

Yusuke hesitated for a while, before finally asking that question.

“What is the last thing you remember of us before we came here?”

Ryuji furrowed his brow, as if forcing his memory.

“I think we were on a date,” he said, then his expression brightened a little. “Yeah, we went to the park, remember? We placed a sheet on the ground and spent some time there.”

“That’s true… I had almost forgotten.”

“Strange, right?” Ryuji chuckled at those words. “It happened, like, what? One, two days ago? Man… This place really messes with your head.”

Yusuke pressed his lips together, choosing not to comment on that.

“What else do you remember?” he asked.

“You spent some time sketching the people around, and asking for my opinion,” proceeded Ryuji. “I bought us some chocolates, but I had to keep putting them in your mouth, ‘cause you just wouldn’t stop drawing.”

He shook his head, and a brief laugh left Yusuke’s lips.

“I guess I was quite inspired that day…” he said.

“Yeah, you were,” Ryuji smiled at him. “It was really cute.”

Ryuji’s words and expression made a feeling of fondness fill Yusuke’s chest. He placed a hand on his lover’s head, caressing his hair.

“Oh, yeah…” said Ryuji, after a while. “And a dog pissed on your bag.”

Yusuke frowned.

“I… didn’t remember that,” he admitted.

“You got so depressed,” Ryuji laughed to himself. “Made me feel real bad. I even went and bought you a milk-shake to make you feel better.”

Those words awoke a faint memory in Yusuke’s mind.

“Strawberry-flavored, right?” he asked.

“Yeah,” agreed Ryuji. “Why do you remember that and not the dog?”

“I believe that’s because it’s a more pleasant memory.”

“Yeah… Your kisses tasted like strawberry for some time.”

They looked at each other, sharing smiles at that happy memory. Yusuke leaned in his direction, and they kissed.

“I think I remember it,” he said, after moving away.

“We parted ways after that,” proceeded Ryuji. “You drove me home… I asked you to come in, but you said you were busy with a project for college,” he shrugged. “Figures…”

Those words made Yusuke’s blood run cold. His chest tightened, and it suddenly seemed difficult to breathe.

“Always a damn nerd,” added Ryuji with an amused smile.

He looked at Yusuke, and the change in his expression made it clear he had noticed something was wrong.

“Yusuke…?”

That soft, worried voice was what made something break inside him, and, before he could stop them, the tears started running through his face. Yusuke lowered his head, covering his eyes with a hand, as loud, uncontrollable sobs left his throat. He felt Ryuji’s hand on his back, as his lover looked at him.

“Yusuke…” he called. “What’s wrong?”

“I’m sorry…”

Those were the only words he was able to say.

“Why?” asked Ryuji in clear confusion. “C’mon, I didn’t get angry at you… I know college can be a bitch.”

Ryuji couldn’t know, but those words only made the pain worse.

“I’m sorry…”

“Yusuke, it’s okay.”

“I’m so sorry…”

He kept repeating those words, time after another, but… It wasn’t enough. It would never be enough.

Ryuji carefully hugged him, kissing his face as he caressed his hair in a comforting way.

“It’s okay…” he said. “We’ll find a way outta here. I promise, alright?”

Yusuke didn’t answer, resting his forehead on Ryuji’s shoulder, as his lover continued to gently whisper to him that things would be fine soon.

“Hey…” said Ryuji. “I love you.”

Yusuke wanted to say he loved him too, but his voice didn’t come out.

 

* * *

  

He was still crying when he woke up. For a moment, he could still feel Ryuji’s warm body close to him, but soon the sensation faded away. His tears stopped as well, and in a minute, Yusuke was left with nothing but that usual, cold emptiness.

“Ryuji…”

No matter how real it felt, it was still just a dream. And, every time Yusuke realized that, it only made the pain worse.

He spent most of that day on his bed, getting up only to go to the bathroom and drink some water. When he was about to get back to his bed, his eyes fell upon that painting, and his heart seemed to stop for a moment.

It was… gray. There was almost no trace of those beautiful, bright colors, making the painting seem more like a figment of a nightmare than the intended paradise. But, worse than that: Ryuji wasn’t smiling. He was sitting on the ground, both hands covering his face. Yusuke could tell himself it had been his imagination before, but it was impossible for such a drastic change to be only in his head.

“No…” he thought, as a feeling of despair overcame him.

At that point, little did it matter to Yusuke if it had all been a dream or not: Ryuji was alone in that place… He was scared. Yusuke needed to go back to him, fast.

“Please…” he muttered. “Let me go back.”

Nothing happened. He pressed his eyes shut.

“Please.”

He reached for the painting, part of him hoping it would pull him inside, but it didn’t.

Sleep… He needed to sleep.

Yusuke tried to approach his bedside table, where he still had his prescribed sleeping pills. However, before he could reach it, his legs lost their strength, and the cane wasn’t enough to support his weight. His vision lost focus, and, before he could fall completely, his consciousness had already faded.

 

* * *

 

A sigh of relief left his lips when he realized he was back at that dream. But, as he expected after seeing the state of that painting, the place was dark and almost devoid of life. He looked around, finding Ryuji sitting on the ground, also in a similar pose. Yusuke approached him with quick steps, sitting beside him, hugging his shoulders.

“Ryuji… I’m sorry for leaving you again, my love.”

Ryuji raised his head, looking at him. His face was pale, and he looked exhausted.

“Yusuke…” he said. “What happened that day, after you left?”

Yusuke opened his mouth, but was unable to answer, simply staring at his lover.

“Please, just answer,” proceeded Ryuji, his voice sounding weak, but desperate. “What happened to me?”

For a long while, he couldn’t answer. Ryuji kept his eyes on him, waiting. He had no other choice.

“Your father was at your apartment…” he explained. “Apparently, he went back to ask for money. There was… a fight. Aoi said you tried to stop him, and—”

“I tried to make him leave…” proceeded Ryuji, without looking at him. “I just wanted to keep him away from her, so I dragged him outside.” He hugged his own body with trembling hands. “I’m not sure of what happened next… I think he pushed me when we reached the stairs. I remember my mom screaming, and… I felt something breaking inside my head. My mom… I could hear her voice close to me, but… I couldn’t see her. Everything turned black, and I…”

He looked at Yusuke.

“I died, didn’t I?” he asked.

Yusuke felt a sharp pain in his chest as he answered.

“Yes.”

A low, humorless laugh left Ryuji’s lips.

“So… What’s this?” he asked, looking around. “Some kinda hell?”

“No,” answered Yusuke. “It’s my dream.”

“What?”

Ryuji stared at him, and Yusuke knew it was useless to keep the truth from him any longer.

“That’s why you don’t remember anything,” he said. “You’re not real… You’re…” his voice broke. “You’re the Ryuji I remember.”

A long, heavy silence fell upon them.

“This… This is bullshit!” Ryuji shook his head. “I’m… I’m real! I…”

Ryuji’s breath hastened, and Yusuke placed a hand on his shoulder.

“Ryuji…” he said. “It has been almost seventy years since it happened.”

His lover’s eyes widened at those words.

“Bullshit!” he screamed, moving away from Yusuke. “You look the same as you did when—”

“Because this isn’t real!” Yusuke screamed back. “I’m telling you, this is all a dream! I’m eighty-nine now. I’m…”

He couldn’t say the word “dying”. Ryuji closed his eyes, gritting his teeth.

“Stop!” he said. “I know I’m real! I just… I just need to remember…”

He held his head with both hands, fingers buried in his own hair, as he tried to reach for something.

“Akira…” he said. “He was my best friend! We were always together, and… We both were… He was my… Damn!”

He opened his eyes again, and Yusuke could see the terror on his face.

“Akira… Who… Who is…?”

He shook his head again.

“Ann!” he said. “I knew her for longer than anyone else! She always… We…”

Yusuke closed his eyes, unable to keep looking at him.

“No!” screamed Ryuji, punching the ground. “Futaba… Morgana… Makoto… Haru… I know they’re here somewhere! I just need to remember!”

He screamed as he hit the ground again and again, as if hoping the pain would help him remember.

“They were important to me! There’s no way I’d forget them like this! I know they’re here! I know! I…”

His voice suddenly stopped, as well as his fists.

“I know they’re…”

He stared blankly at the ground, a small sob leaving his lips.

“Mom…”

His expression slowly lost all of its life, as if everything that made himself _Ryuji_ had disappeared, leaving behind only an empty vessel. Around him, the world was drained from the little that was left of its colors, trees and leaves turning into stone, sky darkening as if a storm was approaching. Ryuji raised his eyes to Yusuke.

“You…” his voice was no more than a mutter. “You weren’t lying, were you…?”

Before Yusuke could say anything, he felt like a hand was pulling him away from his dream and back to reality.

 

* * *

 

Yusuke woke up on the ground, to a terrible ache in his hips and forehead. The pain when he tried to get up was almost unbearable, and, despite his efforts, he couldn’t leave the floor. He turned his body around, so he could look at the painting.

Black… It was all black.

The sight caused a strong pain in his chest, and soon his vision started to lose focus again.

_No, not now_ _…! From all times, why it had to be now?_

Suddenly, the only thing left in his mind is that he needed to get to Ryuji. It was his fault it all happened… He couldn’t let things end that way.

He held on to that thought, like it was an anchor keeping him from floating away. With all the strength that was left in his frail body, Yusuke crawled back to his bed, managing to climb on it, reaching for the drawer where he kept the medicine he always neglected to take — and was now paying the price for it. With some difficulty, Yusuke managed to recognize the right flask, opening it with a trembling hand.

He knew that, if he fell asleep, he wouldn’t wake up again.

“Ryuji… I’m coming…”

Without thinking about anything else, he took two of those pills, letting his body fall over the bed, closing his eyes.

“I’m coming, my love… I’m coming.”

The pain he felt started to subside, as his mind finally started to shut down.

 

* * *

  

It was like falling into a nightmare. Everything around him was like stone and ashes, drenched in what seemed to be black ink. A strong wind made it hard for him to keep his eyes open, but he didn’t waste time, moving as fast as he could through that colorless land.

“Ryuji!” he called.

His voice was muffled by the wind.

“Where are you?” he called again, trying to look around. “Ryuji!”

A loud, familiar laugh made Yusuke jump, looking around.

“ _Dude… That was fucking stupid!”_

“Akira…?”

A strange mist enveloped him, and with it came what seemed to be a hazy vision. Snow… Akira in winter clothes, laughing as he offered his hand to Yusuke.

“ _Yeah, yeah…”_ echoed Ryuji’s annoyed voice. _“Stop being a fuckin’ ass.”_

Laughter again, fading away just like that image. Yusuke barely had the time to understand what he had just seen, before another vision flickered before him, and, this time, he could recognize Ann’s blond hair. She was sitting on the floor in front of him, holding his face with a hand, and what seemed to be an eyeliner with the other.

“ _How long will this take?”_ asked Ryuji’s voice with a tired sigh.

Only then Yusuke understood: he was seeing his friends through Ryuji’s eyes. Those memories belonged to him.

“ _Don’t be impatient, Ryuji…”_ answered Ann. _“Just let me practice a little.”_

“ _Am I at least lookin’ pretty?”_

Ann simply stared at him for a while, twisting her lips in a dramatic uncertainty.

“ _C’mon, Ann!”_ protested Ryuji. _“Do your fuckin’ job!”_

“ _I will, if you just stop moving.”_

The friendly bickering also faded, and new fragments of memories kept coming, one after the other. Ryuji, Akira, Ann, and Shiho playing a board game. His former lover making dinner with his mother as they chatted casually. Watching a movie with Akira and Mishima, then playing video games with Futaba while Morgana watched. Makoto helping him study for his entrance exams, Haru showing him her new cafe.

But, not all memories were happy, and soon the sounds of laughter and light conversation were accompanied by the one of exalted voices.

“ _I told you to never come back here! Get out!”_

A drunk man with dark hair yelling at him. His mother trying to stand between them, only to be shoved to the side. The man’s fist hitting the side of his head. Ryuji’s mother helping him clean a small cut on his temple, apologizing as tears rolled down her face. Both of them hugging without any word, simply crying together.

The images changed again, and, to Yusuke’s surprise, he was at his room, watching himself drawing on a sketchbook.

“ _Hey, Yusuke…”_ Ryuji’s voice sounded low, and a little hesitant. _“Can I talk to you?”_

“ _Just a moment,”_ he answered, without even moving his eyes from the page.

Some time passed like that, in complete silence, before he heard Ryuji’s voice again.

“ _Nevermind, it’s nothing important.”_

Hearing Ryuji’s hurt, disappointed voice felt worse than anything. He watched as his oblivious younger self faded, hating him for not doing something as simple as raising his eyes and noticing something was wrong.

The vision changed again, and now he could see Akira and Ann looking at him with worried faces.

“ _Just, please…”_ He heard Ryuji’s crying voice, interrupted by small sobs. _“Don’t tell Yusuke.”_

Akira and Ann exchanged a brief, uncertain glance.

“ _Alright…”_ started to say Ann. _“But I don’t understand… Why hide it from him?”_

“ _I don’t wanna bother him…”_ answered Ryuji. _“I mean, he’s already busy with college, ‘n all that.”_

“ _But he’s your boyfriend,”_ insisted Akira.

“ _Yeah…”_ Ryuji lowered his voice. _“That’s why. I don’t want things to change between us.”_

“Why would it change?” yelled Yusuke at that fading memory. “You really thought my feelings for you were that shallow?” He clenched his fists. “I wanted to know what you were going through! I wanted to support you too! I… I wanted to…”

He stopped talking, as the realization fell upon him.

“I never told you any of this.”

For a moment, his whole mind felt numb, and he simply stood there, looking at the ground, unable to think or feel anything. His chest felt tight, and breathing had become physically painful.

That’s right… He didn’t have the time to stop. He had to find Ryuji, quick.

Yusuke had to make a huge effort just to keep walking against the cold wind. As he walked, new memories appeared and went away, and, the more Yusuke watched them, the more he realized how wrong he had been all that time.

“Ryuji!” he called again.

Nothing.

“Where are you? Please, answer me!”

His vision became blurry, and suddenly his legs faltered. He fell on his knee, placing both hands on the ground to try and steady himself. He closed his eyes, trying to get rid of that nausea, but it didn’t help much.

“Please…” he muttered.

Some time passed in silence, until Yusuke noticed someone in front of him. He raised his eyes, seeing Ryuji standing there, staring at him with cold eyes.

“Why are you here?” he asked.

“Ryuji…”

Yusuke took a few breaths, trying to clear his mind.

“I was wrong.” His voice sounded weak. “You… You’re real.”

“Yeah?” Ryuji’s dry, distant voice was almost painful to hear. “What made you change your mind?”

“I saw your memories…”

He expected those words to calm Ryuji down, or at least make him more willing to talk to him. But, instead, a shadow of anger covered his face.

“What does it matter?” he asked through gritted teeth. “They’re all fake.”

“They’re not!”

“How can you be so sure of that?”

Yusuke’s mind started to get hazy again, and he made an effort to keep his thoughts clear.

“These memories aren’t mine, or of me,” he explained. “There’s no way I would know—”

“So what?” Ryuji interrupted him in a loud voice. “You’re a fuckin’ artist, aren’t you? How hard would it be to create a few fake memories?”

Yusuke looked at him, and, for a few seconds, was unable to find an answer.

“I wouldn’t—”

A sharp pain took his chest, and he lost his balance, falling to the side. Ryuji watched him for a moment, then his blank expression gave place to an almost panicked one.

“Yusuke?” he kneeled beside Yusuke, holding him against his chest, looking at his face. “Yusuke, what’s wrong? Are you in pain?”

Yusuke reached for his face, gently touching his cheek with his palm.

“I would never create something like that,” he said with a cracking voice.

“What are you…?”

“I wanted to give you a perfect life…” he proceeded. “I wanted you to be happy. And I thought… For a long time, I believed I was doing that…”

He felt tears threatening to leave his eyes, and didn’t fight them.

“But I was wrong… I was never there when you needed me. You… You were even scared of talking to me and making me leave you.”

Ryuji averted his eyes.

“I…”

He didn’t answer, placing his hand over the one Yusuke had on his face, holding it there.

“You were my safe place,” proceeded Yusuke. “Whenever I was troubled, I came to you, and you’d comfort me. You’d made me feel safe, and needed, and loved…”

A small sob left his lips, and when he continued, his voice was shaky and loud.

“But I was too self-centered to do the same for you… I wasn’t even there when you needed me the most! It’s because of me that you—”

“Stop,” asked Ryuji in a low, comforting voice. “It wasn’t your fault.”

“But I did nothing to help!” insisted Yusuke. “You… You were everything to me, and still… I never realized all the pain you were going through.”

Ryuji stayed silent for some time, as Yusuke cried against his chest. Ryuji placed a hand on his head, gently caressing his hair as he finally answered.

“I wasn’t scared of you leaving me. I just…” he made a brief pause. “You already had too many things in your mind, and throwing all my problems at you, like that, didn’t feel right.”

“But what worth did I have as your partner if you couldn’t even tell me those things?” said Yusuke. “If I knew, I’d never let you go back alone! Do you have any idea what all these past years have been like? Every single day, trying not to think of how I could have saved you, if at least I knew…”

Ryuji averted his eyes, a hint of guilty in his face.

“I… didn’t know,” he muttered. “I’m sorry…”

“No…” said Yusuke. “You shouldn’t apologize. You… Nothing that happened was your fault.”

Ryuji didn’t answer, and for a long time, silence grew between them.

“We did everything wrong, didn’t we?” asked Ryuji, finally.

A small smile took Yusuke’s lips.

“I wouldn’t say that,” he answered. “We were still learning… We just didn’t have enough time.”

“Yeah…”

Ryuji hesitated a little, but looked at him again.

“I’m really me, ain’t I?” he asked.

“Yes.”

“Is this why you still look… As I remember?”

“I believe so.”

“I see…”

He thought for another moment.

“And my memories…?” he asked. “Why did they disappear like that?”

“You’re on my mind, and I…” Yusuke lowered his voice, still a little ashamed of saying it out loud. “I didn’t see you as real until now.”

“Is that why…?”

Ryuji thought for a moment, then closed his eyes, taking a deep breath.

“I met Akira on the first day of school…” he said. “We were both problem-kids, so we got close real quick. We kinda became inseparable after that.”

He looked at Yusuke, as if seeking confirmation, and Yusuke nodded.

“I’ve known Ann since middle school…” he proceeded. “She was always walking around with Shiho, and they made fun of me ‘cause I was too small and loud.”

A brief pause.

“My mom… Sometimes she would sing when she was distracted… Her voice was… Really pretty.”

Ryuji spent some time in silence, reliving those memories, and Yusuke didn’t interrupt him.

“This… This is all real, right…?” he asked.

“It is.”

“But, if what you said is true, then… Akira, Ann, my mom… Everyone…?”

“They’re gone,” Yusuke lowered his voice. “I’m sorry.”

“I can’t believe it…”

His devastated expression broke Yusuke’s heart, and it was difficult for him to say his next words.

“I… I’ll be going soon, as well.”

Ryuji simply stared at him, as if unable to react.

“What about me?” he asked. “Will I disappear too? Or am I gonna stay here, alone, forever?”

Yusuke opened his mouth to answer, but, before he could, a pained groan left his throat when that pain in his chest hit him again.

“Yusuke!” Ryuji widened his eyes. “Yusuke… What’s wrong?”

“It’s nothing…”

“Nothing…?” he repeated in a loud, desperate voice. “You… You’re…”

It took him a while to understand what Ryuji meant: looking at his own hands, Yusuke realized his skin was becoming slightly translucent. What surprised him more, however, was what Ryuji hadn’t realized yet: that the same was happening to him. Instead of panicking, the sight filled Yusuke’s heart with peace.

“I didn’t bring you here…” he said, now sure of his words. “You were always with me.”

“What…?”

“When you die, part of your soul stays dormant within your soul-mate, waiting for the day you both can move on together to your next life.”

Ryuji didn’t react for a moment, and, to Yusuke’s surprise, soon a small laugh left his lips.

“You still remember that?” he asked.

“What?”

Ryuji smiled at him.

“You were sick, and being dramatic as usual…” he explained. “It was just a fever, but you kept sayin’ you weren’t gonna make it… At some point, you told me you weren’t scared of dying, but of what came afterward, since you didn’t know how it was, or if you’d be alone in there.”

“So… you told me that,” concluded Yusuke.

Ryuji nodded.

“I was just tryin’ to make you feel better,” he said. “Didn’t think it’d stick with you that much.”

He used his fingers to brush Yusuke’s hair away from his forehead, hesitating a little before asking:

“Do you still believe it?”

“I…”

Yusuke reached for Ryuji’s hand, intertwining their fingers.

“I want to,” he said.

Ryuji brought their joined hands to his lips, kissing Yusuke’s.

“That’s it, then…” he said. “Wherever we go, we go together.”

“Alright.”

They exchanged brief smiles, and Ryuji brought Yusuke closer to him, hugging him against his chest, resting his cheek over his head.

“I love you,” he muttered.

“I love you too,” answered Yusuke in the same tone, closing his eyes, allowing that peaceful, sweet warmth to envelop him as his consciousness faded away.

 

* * *

  

The body of Yusuke Kitagawa was found a few days later, when his neighbor knocked on his door only to be greeted with silence. He died in his sleep, apparently of natural causes. They found a half-empty bottle of sleeping medicine fallen beside his bed, and it brought up the possibility of a suicide. Later, though, they would find it hadn’t been a lethal dose, and it was probably just a coincidence.

In that same room, was also found the last painting of that legendary artist. The strokes were rough, and lacked the smoothness and attention to detail that were so typical of him. However, there was something charming in that modest painting of two young men resting under a tree, surrounded by warm colors, leaning against each other with peaceful smiles on their faces. The work was never named, but would come to be known as Yusuke’s own version of the famous “Sayuri” painted by his late mother.

Despite being alone, that old artist was found with a content smile on his face, like a man who knew he was finally where he was meant to be.

**Author's Note:**

> I hope you enjoyed this fic, kudos and comments are highly appreciated! ♥


End file.
